mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
