Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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