What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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