his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
