And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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