I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
