We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
