I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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