I think i peed on brittanys purse
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
