your parents love me but you hate me
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
