Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize