god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
