Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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