I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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