before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
