We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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