Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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