Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
