He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
