my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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