Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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