and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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