I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wear drunk well.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
