So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
