i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
