So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
