I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
