guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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