I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
