so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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