mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
