Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Mom said you looked used
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
