I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarcasm needs its own font
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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