You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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