i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
zippers are such a cool invention
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
