And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
