how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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