I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
