he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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