ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
