He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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