you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
