My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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