chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
