Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
