nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
