Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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