The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
