wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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