actually, I'm a sock model
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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