Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
