i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
