You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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