I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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