I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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