my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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