Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
