GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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