my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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